This past week, I found myself at a hotel bar the night before a flight, in conversation with a pilot sitting next to me. Early in our conversation, when I asked about what it’s like being in that tiny cockpit for so long, he said you get to know the other person really well, “even though you’re not ‘allowed’ to talk about most things – religion, politics, sex, money…”
This is not the first time I’ve heard something to this effect. How many times have we been told in the recent past not to inquire about someone’s political beliefs in polite conversation?
How has it come to this?
I get that “Who did you vote for in the last election?” is not an inviting opener, but it feels like we are actively avoiding conversation that would allow us to learn about our fellow human’s values, beliefs, and mindsets…in favor of feeling like we can all just get along. Albeit falsely, if we don’t really know one another.
So I took a chance that night. After some opening conversation, and my sense that he would actually engage in a potentially contentious conversation, I went for it. Also, I was in a state where I felt like I could be totally curious and open and wasn’t feeling any need to be “right” or defensive about my own thoughts.
What unfolded was a lovely conversation between two humans with very different histories, some common beliefs, some divergent thoughts, and a general sense that we are simply two people, wandering through this life trying to understand it, just like everyone else.
Here’s what I took away from this experience that I felt strongly was worth sharing, because we NEED to be in conversation with one another, and most importantly with people who are not just echo chambers of our own thoughts:
If you can focus on listening to the other person, with only the intention of understanding them (vs. trying to agree or come to a resolution on a topic), the conversation can be surprisingly fulfilling and compelling.
No matter what is said, a conversation is a chance to see another person more fully and to allow yourself to be seen more fully. And somewhere deep down, we all yearn for that – to see and be seen, fully.
If you’re feeling triggered or you’re “comin’ in hot” to a potentially contentious conversation…don’t. That’s not the time. You won’t really BE in conversation; you’ll be in battle mode.
Be OK with closing the conversation and/or walking away if you sense the other person is in battle mode. You don’t have to enter the battle. Save your energy for those who really are curious to be in conversation with you.
Who could you be in conversation with today?
Having conversations at an early age…back when phones had cords :-)