For a while now, I’ve been working on tuning into whether I really want to do things or not. Sounds silly – how can you not know if you do or don’t want to do something?? But you’d be surprised at how often obligation or habit or people-pleasing masquerades as “wanting” to do something.
This weekend I had plans to meet up with two other SF-based coaches who also work with Chief as Guides, and I’ve been excited to expand my network, meet new people, and also just get out in this (mostly) post-covid era. But then Saturday rolled around and it was a gorgeous day outside, I was feeling extra sleepy and lazy (in a nice way, not an exhausting way) and I thought – maybe I’ll just cancel. There were three of us who were supposed to meet up, so it wouldn’t be canceling the whole thing if I didn’t go, they would just be down to two as opposed to three.
I really vacillated on what to do. Even a mid-afternoon nap didn’t cure me of my lazy energy. These are the hardest situations – ones where I know I DO want to do what I had planned, but a part of me doesn’t want to go. This is a space where I’ve more recently been leaning into following how my body feels and if I feel hesitation, I will try to turn my yes into a no to honor the part of me that is resisting.
But this time I didn’t. I really sat with it – was I really going to back out of a chance to meet new people (when I am constantly lamenting how much covid restricted my best intentions to create a new network of friends and colleagues here in the bay)? And as my lazy side sleepily suggested I stay and veg on the couch, the part of me that wants more shouted “Suck it up, buttercup!!” – so off I went.
And let me tell you…I’m so glad I did.
I share this because I am STILL in process of learning – and then standing up for – what I REALLY want (e.g., trying to shed those obligations and habits and people-pleasing moments that try to sneak in unnoticed), but sometimes it’s about advocating for those wants in the midst of noisy short-term gratifications that actually move you AWAY from what you really want. It’s hard to discern and I am still learning…
The picture you send of yourself from the BART station because you’re meeting up with total strangers…