I was listening to a podcast where the guest talked about how he has for years been sleeping outside on his rooftop. He did it one night on a lark and realized he slept so well, he decided to make it a permanent thing. He recalled several conversations where people worriedly asked about his wife, as though the state of his marriage were rocky. His chuckled response was that they have a great marriage and their sleeping arrangements reflect only where and how they get their best sleep.
I was flummoxed by this guest. By the way, this was not even the topic of the conversation, just an amusing side-story at some point, but I was fascinated by what he shared. He was just so matter-of-fact about it, not coming across as self-righteous, defensive, or embarrassed, which are energies I witness when some people talk about their habits or lifestyles that run counter to convention.
I started thinking about what was at play here and it seems like it comes down to this: How we handle the various parts of ourselves is a distinct mix of our internal relationship (do we accept or reject that part of ourselves) and our external relationship (do we show or hide that part of ourselves). And each of those interactions (rejecting vs. accepting, crossed with showing vs. hiding) has a distinct flavor of how it looks and feels.
DISCLAIMER: This is my own framework, based on exactly zero research and 100% on how I feel about this dynamic. If it happens to resemble a real, true framework that someone has researched and studied – use theirs, it’s probably more correct!
Reject + Hide = looks like avoidance, feels like shame
Reject + Show = looks like bravado, feels like defensiveness
Accept + Hide = looks like quietly tending to one’s own needs, feels like embarrassment
Accept + Show = looks like open sharing, feels like freedom and grounded confidence
The more I hear about other people who do unconventional things (from the Accept + Show place), the more I notice I feel free and comfortable to move into that same zone. And conversely, it’s the same dynamic that keeps many of us in hiding (and sometimes rejecting) – when we DON’T see those unconventional options being lived or embraced, we don’t feel comfortable doing so ourselves. Our own freedom to be fully and uniquely ourselves is the permission others need (and vice versa) to be fully and uniquely themselves.
So here’s your official invite! To all you beautiful folks who do something unusual, or live some way that’s different, let us all display and share our unconventional colors! May it one day BE the convention to be unconventional!
