I was listening to a podcast the other day (yes, I know I seem to start all my blogs like this…) and the interviewee was asked what characteristics she looks for when interviewing people for a job. One of her responses was someone who is “non-judgmental”.
Ah, if only there were such a person!
This is a particularly tricky area of our humanness because it’s something we innately do, and also something we actively hate having done to us. It feels like a no-win.
So – what do we do about it?
I think there are three almost step-wise pieces to this topic that can help us re-think how we behave in light of our own tendencies to judge, and how to deal with others’ judgments.
First, distinguish between assessing and judging
When we look at the fact or truth of a thing, we can make an assessment. This allows us to have an understanding of its place in the world. A judgment, on the other hand, is duly influenced by the story we have about the fact or truth, which labels it as something good or bad (which is subjective). Think about it like this:
Assessment: You got a 72% on your math test, which is below the class average.
Judgment: You got a 72% on your math test YOU IDIOT!
Assessment: There is more pepper in this soup than the recipe called for.
Judgment: There is too much pepper in this soup and IT’S DISGUSTING!
Next, understand judgments as reflections of our own issues
When we make the shift from holding an assessment and then making it a judgment, it is hooking something in us. In the example above, getting a 72% on a math test is a simple indicator of how many answers were correct. There is no real meaning there – until we give it a meaning and shift into judgment mode.
If we are self-conscious about our intelligence, we may start to feel defensive and lash out. Conversely, if we’re terrible at math, a 72% may make us feel like a Mensa candidate after years of failing exams. The hard facts aren’t different in either of those perspectives, but the judgment about them is 100% influenced by the experiences around it and stories we have about it. And, of course, this applies to everyone else just the same.
Finally, exercise self-management
When we want to exercise being “non-judgmental”, our work is to pause long enough to notice the difference between the assessment and the judgment and spend our effort pulling ourselves back from the heat of judgment.
The real hook is this: are we AWARE we’re being run by our judgments (and therefore able to influence our own behavior and responses), or are we being run by our judgments with no referee?
Even if we can’t control the monster that comes out and turns us into Judgy McJudgerson, we can be aware it’s happening and shift how we respond in those moments instead of letting the monster run around unchecked.
Which is the hardest part for you? Where do you get tripped up? When you see someone else being judgmental (meaning, assigning stories to facts that cast them or others in a disparaging light), can you allow them to have their experience without letting it change yours?
DON’T JUDGE ME!!!