I was listening to a podcast on my walk the other day and the person talking said he got a question from a listener about how to build their mental resilience. And his answer was something akin to – “We’re humans, we’re built to be resilient, so don’t worry, you are already resilient!” And that was the end of his response.
[insert face palm]
I am purposely omitting what podcast this is because I do NOT recommend it. Oy.
It brought up the same thought I have when I hear someone tell another person to feel differently than how they feel (whatever that feeling may be: grief, anger, fear, etc.). Clearly the person who submitted this question did not feel that they were resilient, and the person on the podcast simply dismissed that with – don’t worry, you are! Which does not make it real for that person. Which is the antithesis of helpful. And that drives me bananas.
So, I wanted to break this down because I think resilience is a really important factor that helps us move through our life with joy and ease. I also looked up “resilience” because I think meanings can be perverted or misused, complicating the issue.
Resilience is defined (by the ever-brilliant interwebs) as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness”. And in this fairly common, basic definition, that one little word creates what I believe is the crux of the issue – “quickly”.
I would venture that this leads to one of three core issues that create some consternation around whether or not we are resilient:
We assume that ANY amount of suffering means we lack resilience, when in fact it simply means we are still IN PROCESS of bouncing back
Every person probably has a different interpretation of what “quickly” means in recovering from something difficult, and that definition may even vary, for the same person, based on what that “something difficult” is exactly
When two or more people in relationship (whether co-workers, spouses, parent and child, friends, etc.) have different ideas of how long “quickly” should be in getting over or through something, this conflict in expectation invites shame for the person who is still in process, frustration for the person who is not, and disconnection as a result
Naturally this makes me wonder…now what? I think there are two things that matter when it comes to resilience: what our beliefs are about it, and how we behave around it.
Here are my reflections when it comes to our resilience beliefs:
First, instead of wondering we’re either resilient or not, can we just assume it’s a given? That we are, in fact, resilient. And start there.
Second, perhaps we can think of our resilience like a muscle. With more reps, it gets stronger; without reps, it weakens. So, even though we may want to protect ourselves from situations where we’ll be hurt or disappointed, experiencing those things builds our resilience muscle, making us stronger.
Third, could we see our lives as an ongoing cycle of resilience, and perhaps even many cycles of resilience at any given time? Maybe we are four months into a six-month cycle of resilience around a recent breakup, whereas we could also just be starting a one-day cycle of moving on from the disappointment of our favorite show being canceled. Those can both be true at the same time.
And a few options for how we might behave in regards to our resilience:
When you notice you are feeling like you’re not resilient and beating yourself up about that – pause. You are probably right in the middle of your process – which in and of itself indicates you ARE resilient. Check out what your story is about how long you’re allowed to be in that process. Is your story helping, or hurting?
When you’re in the midst of your process of resilience and it impacts another person (or people), have a conversation (or write a note, leave a message, whatever). Figure out together what you each need during that process and come to an understanding about how you will each get what you need, whether from each other or outside the relationship.
If you want to actively work on building stronger resilience, create or put yourself in situations where you’re unlikely to get what you want or where you’ll feel awkward. Start small and go into a Starbucks and ask if they’ll bake you a funfetti cake. (If this actually works, let me know, that would be an awesome way to start the week). Take it up a notch and try an improv class (now THERE’S a place to get uncomfortable, get silly, and then realize you didn’t die from the discomfort). The point is – you can practice low-risk resilience building in small ways that can remind you that you are strong and can deal with stuff.
What are your beliefs and behaviors around resilience? If you struggle in one area or the other (or both!), I hope you’ll give these a try and report back!
Me on a field trip at 6 or 7, mad about…whatever kids get mad about. Clearly being VERY resilient in the moment.
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