The other day I watched a conversation take a nosedive like an oiled-up human down a waterslide. The person talking was on the verge of tears, sharing with their companion who, while clearly engaged and leaning in, moved past the emotion and went straight into advice mode.
I watched the original person go still, their face slack and eyes downward, as they (I imagine) felt totally alone, even in the company of someone they cared about.
What’s going on here???
A good friend of mine taught me this important question when faced with someone who’s got something on their mind: Do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?
These three H’s can be the lighted pathway to help us connect and figure out what the other person really wants, before we get too far down the conversational rabbithole.
Heard: they just want you to hear what they have to say and acknowledge their perspective or feelings (“I see you. I hear you. I love you.”)
Hugged: they want to be comforted, possibly with a real hug, or if remote, they simply want to be told everything will be OK (“It’s all going to be OK. You’re OK.”)
Helped: they want you to help them figure out what to do (“Here are some ideas, let’s see what might work for you.”)
Where we go wrong is when we try to help someone who just wants to be acknowledged, or we simply hug someone who is actually desperate to figure out how to handle a situation. Trying to figure out the “right” way to handle it is like playing a shell game with an experienced magician.
Wouldn’t it all be so much easier if we knew exactly what they wanted?? If only we would…ask.
I always opt for a hug :-)