“Um yeah, I’m going to need you to come in on Saturday.”
One of my favorite (in a shudder-inducing kind of way) lines from the 90’s gem Office Space.
This line epitomizes the icky-ness of what we sometimes call “getting on board.” Sometimes it’s something small, like getting on board with the plan to go get vegan pizza for dinner (I just can’t get behind vegan cheese), or sometimes it’s huge, like getting on board with a big move across the country to a place you don’t know, with no friends, just because your spouse got a new job there.
I was reminded of this dynamic recently listening to Brené Brown interview Barack Obama about his book, and she asked him about a part where he wrote that Michelle had reservations about some of his early political aspirations. And it really got me thinking – how can we ACTUALLY get on board with something when we have hesitations, concerns, or even straight up resistance, and be able to have enough of an emotional shift to fully support it, even if it still isn’t our first choice?
Want to know what it takes to make that shift possible? Here’s one method to try out – we’ll use Ron Livingston’s Office Space character Peter and his Saturday work situation for our example:
Let the first wave of feelings wash over you. That’s right, just let ‘em rip. Maybe you’re sad, maybe your disappointed, maybe you’re mad. Ride it out. Peter might think: Dammit! I don’t want to work on Saturday, I just worked all week! How dare you assume I can just come in over the weekend! Righteous indignation!!!
Lay out each of your concerns or issues. Dig around a little deeper than that first initial reaction and figure out what’s underneath it. Maybe Peter’s thinking: I’m so tired from the week, I was really hoping to sleep in this weekend. I won’t have time to do my usual weekend chores. The weekend is my opportunity to put away my work clothes and be comfortable.
Decide, in regards to each concern, what needs to happen that could help address or soothe that concern. Whatever it is – figure out what would address the sticking points. Peter might request: Can I come in at 11am on Saturday, instead of at 9am? Can I take a day off next week? Can I wear a Hawaiian shirt when I come in on Saturday? (Or some variation that would address the disappointment of missing out on sleeping in, needing time for running errands, and being more comfortable).
Share with whoever needs to hear it and determine if you can come to some agreement. This is tricky because yes, there is always a possibility that there won’t be agreement, and then you have a new set of decisions to make. But, assuming optimism for this moment – no one can try to make things better for you if they don’t even know how that could happen. Speak up. Have your needs heard. Peter’s not likely to get any of his needs met if he doesn’t ask.
Choose intentionally, and throw yourself behind your choice. If you can find a way to have your concerns allayed and your needs met, decide to consider it resolved and offer your support. Truly. This is not a situation to “get on board” riddled with resentment. On the other hand, if your needs can’t be addressed, and you really can’t get on board, this may be the time to part ways.
Now you may end up like Peter, out in a field with your friends beating on an old printer. Or, you may be able to “get on board” with whatever’s ahead of you because you’ve articulated your needs and had them met.
This isn’t a cakewalk. But I do think it beats the hell out of feeling dragged around without choice, or never being heard in the first place, or clutching your stapler while working out of a basement.
